Parashat Ha'azinu; What is Spiritual Abuse?

Parashat Ha’azinu: Spiritual Abuse

Torah: Deut 32:1-52

Haftarah: 2 Sam 22:1-51

Brit Chadashah: Rom 10:12-11:12

Main Points:

The Song of Moses.

The LORD speaks about Moses’ death.

In Parashat Ha’azinu, Moses gives his final address to the nation of Israel and one of the last things he does is he teaches the Israelites a song. In the song, he mentions the “rock” six times. God also speaks to him about the waters of meribah-kadesh where Moses struck the rock instead of speaking to it. The core issue was that when Moses was angry he did not sanctify God in the presence of the people. Not even Moses was without fault, but he was still a great leader. Moses embodies the qualities of a good leader as he points the people to God and encourages them to repentance and forgiveness. Moses stated that the Lord would circumcise their hearts and the hearts of their offspring. This was needed because it would take the elders, families, and every person to pursue justice and unity. Without sanctified hearts, the kingdom can quickly fall into abusive behaviors that drive people away from God instead of drawing them to his presence.

We have been inundated by reports of clergy sexual abuse and misconduct across the world. Those who did abuse others are finally being dealt with and the abuse is getting acknowledged. Some clergy have woven a personality cult around their ministry and are increasingly being exposed as spiritual abusers and are now seen as being selfish, arrogant, and entitled. This is welcomed progress in the religious world.

Leaders who abused and misused religious concepts to control others are also being pushed to reevaluate their theology. Sometimes this is due to flawed theology, and not a desire to abuse.  Pentecostal culture has its own form of halacha it promotes among its members. Some of the ideals it espouses have been enforced as absolute biblical truth when it was really an issue of establishing cultural boundaries. Thankfully, some of this is changing. In Jewish cultures the power of the Get (divorce) and the application of halacha is also getting attention as the religious world progresses.

There are many stories of religious leaders who abuse, but there are even more of congregants and congregations who abuse their clergy. This can come in many forms from mistreatment, threats, sexually preying on clergy, outright physical abuse, grandstanding to publicly humiliate the Rabbi and/or his family, or covert attempts to derail ministry by politics, gossip, slander, and/or outright lies. Conflict in congregations needs to be managed and it takes unity between the Rabbi, congregational leaders, and congregants to make it happen.

Our Societal Problem

Our congregations could be the perfect place if they didn’t have all those people in it. The kingdom is “peopley” by nature. It is full of the saved, unsaved, the normal, the weird, the selfish and arrogant, and those of us who are just problematic. The perfect congregation does not exist. We will always be full of fallible, imperfect people. The Rabbi can have a historical pedigree, education, and experience, and still be fallible. The families and the larger congregation can be conservative and conscientious in their walk and still not be perfect either. Between the home and the congregation, it is the congregation that is held to a higher standard of holiness than even our own homes, probably due to its public nature. This is unfortunate because the character traits that we carry are birthed in our homes and personal lives first, and then carried into our kehillah. This can be good spirituality or divisive carnality.

We tend to be fiercely independent. We accept some control over our lives in our work, but fight for our independence in other areas, sometimes to a fault. Our membership in the kehillah requires us to be concerned about others, be a part of one another’s lives, and help the body of Messiah to grow and progress. Our spirituality is both individual and corporate. If we are not careful, we can forget our corporate responsibility to the kehillah and find ourselves putting the “rat race” of life into the congregation. We can pursue our opinions to the point of division or play politics. We can criticize and slander to the point of damaging people. Lastly, we can “pigeonhole” others and stifle their growth by projecting our own limitations on others.

Independence is good, but it can also be misplaced. We do not have to agree with everything that comes across the bema, but we can take our disagreement and constantly challenge the Rabbi or publicly air our objections to the point of demeaning his leadership and tearing down his office. We can find ourselves in an unconscious crusade to prove he is inept and make sermon criticism a religious sport after every service.

Consumerism also has a role to play in our societal issues. Some people are problematic because they only plant temporary stakes in the congregation. They are quick to judge and quick to leave. They view their involvement as contingent upon their needs being met and demand that the congregation fit into their lifestyle and values. When they are challenged, they get offended. Some leave quietly, but some leave with drama. The spiritual consumer looks for what the congregation has to offer and how it can benefit them. This does have a place in how we choose our congregation, but we can be overly focused on what others can give us when we need to look at what God is called to do. What we need the most may be our place of ministry.

A consumerism mentality can also make its way into how the congregation is governed. Some congregations are so elder focused that the pastor is seen and treated like a temporary contractor (and may be paid as like one as well). What is worse, some ministers who assume pastoral positions view their assignment as being temporary as well. This dynamic leads to a lack of trust and connectivity. Being accepted as a congregation’s pastor takes time, sometimes two to three years. Having a lack of permanency in the pastoral position only extends the time for a pastor to grow from being considered a newcomer to engaging the congregation as a trusted member and spiritual leader.

Societal politics and the culture it births are constantly encroaching on the religious world. We are often swimming in a political environment where creating victims and convincing them that a particular politician (and their movement) are their messiahs is a normal part of civilian life. People are increasingly victim oriented and are quick to crusade, accuse, and wear the t-shirt of victimhood. It has been said that many in this country have a victimization fetish. People who have been arrested, blame the police and the system for their crimes. The “Me Too” movement started out simply as a way to get survivors of abuse to speak out but was constantly pushed to extremes so that any person who said they were abused had to be believed regardless of the proof. Any attempt to question or challenge the accusations of the victim made a person part of the abuse culture. This has made victimization a crusader topic, an effective societal bludgeon, or a means to get support from others. We can see this dynamic also seeping its way into congregations.

Victimization culture can make people paranoid about the prospect of abuse occurring, As a result, people can treat incidents from the standpoint of being potentially abusive when no abuse is present. This elevates conflict and communication to threatening levels for no apparent reason other than to galvanize power and coerce others. When we respond to the potential of things from our own perspective, we are responding to our fears and vulnerabilities and then projecting them on others. Potential abuse is not actual abuse. Responding to the prospect of something as though it were actually happening gives a false sense of violation that can quickly evolve into false accusations and slander.

A victimization culture encourages people to switch offender and victim roles in three ways. 1) If a person is not careful, feeling offended for even vague reasons, can devolve into feeling victimized and the offended person feels that lashing out is permissible and needed for morally justified reasons. 2) There are times when people switch victim and offender roles as a defense from disagreements, arguments, or intrapersonal conflict and use that method of communication to derail every significant relationship they have. In their minds they are not abusing others, they are defending themselves against attack and abuse. 3) If someone has been abused in the past, it is easier for this process to happen quickly. In counseling abused persons, the moment that healing begins to come, a rush of emotions also breaks out when the abused person is enabled to voice their feelings and is freed to speak unhindered. That process can carry over a long term and the victim-abuser relationship can be reversed, even as the relationship is trying to heal. Our biblical model is to bring offenses and personal pain to the feet of Yeshua and with his help, deal with it directly and continually progress toward healing. We can never forget that whether we are dealing with actual or potential abuse or a person’s emotional response to something that may well be benign, we are dealing with people, and godly compassion is needed at all levels.

What Abuse is and Isn't

It is important to identify what abuse is and is not. Sometimes a congregation can perpetuate an abusive perception by not having policies and procedures. Sometimes congregation-splitting conflict can come because of fallacies in how congregational governance is carried out. It is not that abuse was intended, but it did come due to disorganization, bad decision-making (or negligence in decision-making), or lack of unity.

Abuse is not equal to offense. We can get offended in our jobs, homes, recreational events, and even in our kehillah. Being offended or having a personality issue with another (even the Rabbi) is not abuse. We cannot use the label of spiritual abuse to cover for our rejection of spiritual authority (see 1 Sam 8).

Abuse is not having a bad day, being discontent, or unhappy. It is not automatically present when someone is feeling rejected, discouraged, or bitter. A person is not abused because the pastor did not agree with something that was said or did not acknowledge a person. Pastors are required to be employers, manage volunteers, and be spiritual leaders. Pastors can have a difference of opinion, a developed leadership style, and lead the congregation with vision, passion, and confidence and not be in abusive territory.

Some pastors are better at dealing with counseling people than others. The ones who are better may make fewer mistakes and the ones who can struggle may have giftings in other areas. All pastors are in the same process of growth as the congregants and need some occasional grace to make it just like we all do. Abuse is not present just because the pastor corrected someone or enforced policy. The pastor does not have to solve everyone’s problems or cater to everyone’s perspectives. Pastors keep an eye on culture and occasionally advise a congregation to place boundaries on things that can hinder us devotionally or spiritually.

Abuse is not present when the pastor or congregational leaders are trying to promote godly unity within the Body of Messiah. The problems come when unity is pursued at the expense of neglecting real problems that need to be addressed or when people are inclined to oppose any type of spiritual leading as adverse and intrusive.

Abuse is not the same as a congregant being hurt by a pastoral mistake or misunderstanding. There is a difference between being hurt, being offended, and being abused. Pastors make mistakes. They are human and thus fallible. No one gets everything right and there are times when the wrong decisions are made, situations are approached the wrong way, or the pastor makes a recommendation and did not understand the full scope of a situation.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

The clergy are in a position of trust and have contact with vulnerable people, money, and can influence the belief/spirituality of groups of people with little supervision. They are primarily elected by a congregation and entrusted to lead people to God and oversee the congregation’s efforts at meeting needs and spreading the Gospel. Though the overwhelming majority of pastors and clergy engage in their spiritual calling with integrity, some have fallen into spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse is when a person who is in a position of trust uses tactics of coercion or abuse of access to exploit or control others under the guise of scripture and for personal gain.

Spiritual abuse can take many forms. It can be oppressive control, sexual abuse and exploitation (even of children), twisting and misusing scripture to exert control over the actions and beliefs of people; or manipulating others to maintain a sense of public respect or celebrity status. Some clergy exert so much power in the lives of the congregation, that their advice can be viewed as an absolute prohibition (or permission) that influences marriages, divorces, conflict resolution, and a whole host of areas that affect the lives of the individual.

Pastors are not meant to take the place of the Messiah, nor do they operate in the capacity of Moses, the Apostles, or one of the prophets in the Tanakh. They can advise, guide, or give input and they are accountable for the guidance they give, but they cannot rule others or override an individual’s decisions.

The Shepherding Movement of the 1970s and 1980s promoted the authority-submission model for church leadership. This movement was damaging to congregational life and saw the leadership of the church as being overly authoritarian and the submission of the congregation (and the people in it) to be absolute. The pastor was seen as the spiritual, God-ordained covering of the congregation and was regarded as such (this is a place where Yeshua alone stands). This resulted in overly legalistic and sometimes cultic control of people’s lives. It also inhibited spiritual growth and decision-making for individuals because the pastor was tasked with dictating convictions and actions instead of the individual taking responsibility for praying and seeking God in scripture. Neither pastoral authority nor congregational submission should be an absolute, unquestionable theology in God’s work.

Congregations Who Abuse

Jewish thought has a long history of strong, collaborative leadership between the king of Israel, the high priest, and the anointed prophet. The priest oversaw the sacred service and helped people understand God’s word. The king administered the kingdom and was the head of the military. The prophet called out sin, gave spiritual direction, and championed values. Each served the people and cared for their well-being in different ways. Each had a role in connecting the people of Israel to God and collaboratively, they comprised a wholeness of leadership. One person could not do it all.

Judaism also has a long history in communal study and communal problem-solving. This is particularly seen in the functioning of the Bet Din and in the vast corpus of legal argumentation on how to carry out the scriptures. We also see the community coming together to stand against the culture, guard religious ideals, and resist antisemitism. Notice that all of this is not exclusive of argumentation, debate, a little kvetching, and contending for what is best suited for the community. When argument and debate are done for “the sake of heaven” and with a godly means and aim, the outcome can be very positive. (see Acts 15)

Congregations Can Go Rogue

There are people who promote the idea that most pastors are narcissistic abusers who molest children, misuse money, and prey on the congregation (see 1 Pet 5:1-5). This is far from the truth and very damaging. Taking this view promotes a mistrust of people and the office of the pastor and unfortunately, this is the religious culture in some places. Most ministers are godly men of character who desire to serve God like everyone else.

Congregations can set their pastor up for failure by heaping expectations on him/her to the point that family and personal needs are impossible to meet. The constant demands push pastors to be on 24-hour call and they can be pushed to the point of not having a stable home life while living in a “glass house”. Expectations for a lot of pastors are that they will be able to keep perfect families, teach, keep a televised ministry, be a counselor, hold conferences, train volunteers, manage staff, and participate in building structures (sometimes alone). They must know about accounting and budget forecasting, fundraising, and promotions, and can be seen as incapable if they ask for help. When the pastor's home life begins to deteriorate the congregation can accuse him/her of not being able to manage his home (or wayward teenager). Mistakes that are made in the areas that he is not developed in add to the stress that is already present and the congregation can begin to lose confidence in his leadership. This self-perpetuating cycle of too much work, too much accountability, and too little compassion is a form of abuse that has ended the careers of a lot of pastors.

Predators and internal politics play a role in pastoral abuse. Sometimes people outside the congregation attend for the sole purpose of accusing or framing the pastor (or congregational leaders) so that they can sue the congregation. When this dynamic begins to occur with members preying on the pastor to degrade or force him/her out it is a particularly bitter experience. If the congregational board is complicit, it is an impossible situation. There are many stories of the congregational board waiting for the pastor to take a vacation so that they terminate employment. In other situations, congregation members are engaged (sometimes intentionally) in criticizing everything the pastor preaches, does, or says inside and outside of the pulpit. The constant fault-finding and criticisms spread frustration and breeds contempt and mistrust. When suspicion of wrongdoing is eventually voiced, whether it is real or not, a pastor can be fired for things that are untrue and unfounded. This congregational habit can be carried on to the next pastor and the next. Some congregations are so toxic that they cannot keep a pastor for more than two or three years. When this toxicity is leveled at the pastor’s family, it will not be long before he/she leaves.

Involvement with money is one toxic place. Some congregations use budgets and control of money to control the pastorate and this can be a double-edged sword. The congregation operates by the offerings it receives. If there is a budgetary shortage, the responsibility falls on the pastor to raise funds and encourage tithing. When the pastor addresses this need, he can be criticized for being overly focused on money or having unethical motives just for bringing it up. If this need is left unaddressed, he is also responsible. Preaching about finances is necessary in a congregation but doing so also leaves the pastor open for criticism that he is preferential to those who give or give more, setting up the perception of favoritism. Once this cycle of perception starts, it is hard to stop. Congregants are often shocked to find out what it takes to run a congregation and keep things fixed and presentable. Some of it can be done by talented volunteers, but eventually things need to be purchased, contractors need to be paid, the insurance note comes due, and the building note needs to be paid. The congregation is equally responsible with the pastor to meet the needs of the congregation and exercise budgetary responsibility. Often this falls completely on the pastor’s shoulders and he is left holding the bag.

The congregational board alone can be abusive especially if they are controlling (see Acts 6:1-4, 1 Tim 3:8-13, qualifications for leaders). They are often the ones who sit on the pastoral search committee and are responsible for intervening if the pastor needs to be addressed (including terminating him). Some view this oversite authority as an employee-employer relationship and treat the pastor like a subordinate, limiting his authority, and even shutting him out of decision-making activities. I have heard of personal stories of boards dictating to the pastor what songs are to be sung and what sermons can and cannot be preached and the board is threatening when things are said that they disagree with. When the yearly budget is made, the dependent role he/she has been subjugated to is evident and on full display. Some boards are so driven they make it plain that they run the congregation, and the pastor is there only to fill the pulpit. These boards end up treating the work of God as though they were running a spiritual club, not a congregation. Some boards and congregations have even used the pastor as a scapegoat when things did not work out the way they wanted. Church/Synagogue boards and leadership are under the same scriptural requirement to manage conflict so that it does not become division and destroy unity (see 2 Tim 2: 24-26).

Congregations can also set the pastor up for failure by pedestaling his office and making him a celebrity CEO. It is good to show honor. It is a sign of a healthy congregation. Pastor’s anniversaries, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, and Pastor’s Appreciation Week are all good times to thank a pastor and family for being dedicated to doing a difficult job. Some congregations, however, have a leadership complex especially if the pastor has been successful and is talented. They look for pastoral approval too much, so that the showing of honor and respect is misplaced. They are overly accountable to the pastor and stop being individually responsible to God, his word, and their family.

The congregation can, at every turn, build up the pastoral office, make him/her the focal point of all that goes on and continuously celebrate his coming, his message, and involvement. If a pastor allows this to continue unchecked, lofty expectations can crash hard when the smallest sign that the pastor is actually a human begins to show. The pastor is not an alternate messiah. He is a human being with a real family, real needs, and real fears. We can celebrate the person and office to an extent that the congregational culture actually facilitates and encourages the abusive culture they want to limit. We can never forget that the pastor is a member of the congregation, equally with everyone else. His role needs to be respected, but it is abusive to pedestal his office and hinge the health and work of God on one person.

How to Approach the Rabbi:

1. Go to the Rabbi directly. Don’t gossip or slander him/her privately or publicly. If you are uneasy about talking, take a second person (or spouse) with you. If you are a member of the opposite sex, do not be offended if the Rabbi refuses to see you until either he/she or you have secured a second person to be in the room. If you are a member of the opposite sex, do not demand a private meeting or to meet in a place outside of the congregation.

2. Understand that the Rabbi must look out for the whole congregation and keep a focus on consistency. He cannot cater to just one person or family. When it comes to personal preferences that are not legitimately offenses or wrongs, be prepared to compromise. People are normally resistant to change, but change has a place. There is a place to keep the big picture in mind.

3. If a problem exists be prepared. Perception frames an event. If you enter the meeting thinking that this needs to be a confrontation and you are going to give the Rabbi a piece of your mind, that is not the type of attitude that promotes unity or healing. It is ok to broach hard issues, be honest, and forthright if the purpose is to pursue understanding and things are being voiced in a godly way. It is ok to explain and give facts, but belligerence, criticism, and put-downs make resolution impossible. Grace and understanding are needed, but truth is also needed. Our past and unresolved issues also frame an event. We need to be aware of projecting our wounds and past struggles onto the Rabbi and automatically assume that he/she intends to abuse or mislead.

4. If you were involved in something, be prepared to own your part of the problem and acknowledge the places where you contributed to or perpetuated the wrong issues. Be careful about going to the pastor about issues that do not concern you. You are not the congregational liaison to the Rabbi.

5. Be humble. The Rabbi is an equal to you and should be treated with the same respect you give others. He is also a spiritual leader but does not somehow live on a special spiritual dimension that others don’t. He can be expected to be a mature godly example, but he is not superhuman. You also do not want your relationship with your Rabbi to be toxic, so it is important to do everything possible to work things out. You do not have to agree with everything the Rabbi says or does, but the right attitude goes a long way in resolving things.

6. For most normal pastoral relationship issues, we can work past problems without breaking fellowship. There is a benefit to staying where God called you and seeking out his purpose.

Rabbis/Pastors Who Abuse

I choose not to focus exclusively on pastoral abuse because it evades the larger problem in religious life. The fact is that abuse can happen in the home, synagogue, and with the Rabbi/Pastor. Fostering a culture of honor, respect, dignity, and accountability will help the hard conversations that need to happen take place so that we can grow as a spiritual community. As previously stated, pastoral abuse is not defined as a one-time event. It is a clear pattern of behavior that is seen over time.

The Torah and Religious Life

Jewish thought has a long history in regulating every aspect of life and faith. Jewish legal codes are a compendium of judgments and perspective outcomes that were handed down by the sages and are still being commented on today. The various codes of Jewish law are a discussion on how to fulfill what scripture says we should do. Among those who do not believe they are binding, questions have been fielded wondering if such a document was ever meant to exist at all. Scripture provided for a council that would decree judgment on religious issues and the outcome of those judgments were to be considered “Torah”. The question is, were those judgments intended to be handed down for thousands of years without change, or were they subject to reinterpretation as times, cultures, situations, and locations required it? God did not tell Israel to write a compendium that would be binding through the ages, regardless of what changed. They were told to judge cases and give guidance. (shiur/shiurim- a Talmud study session or talk given by the rabbi, usually in a Yeshiva) This guidance took historical precedent into account but was to be dynamic so that each generation of people could work out how to fulfill God’s word relative to the challenges and culture they faced.

Looking at the Torah in its religious and historical context is a shield against taking the scripture in a wrong direction. By understanding the past, we can better apply it in the future and avoid abusing people by overloading them with requirements that are unnecessary or abusive because they are too stringent. Yeshua stated that his yoke was easy and his burden was light (Matt 11:28-30).

The Brit Chadashah is evidence that the Torah is a living document. We do not add or take away from it (Deut 4:2, Rev 22:18-19), but we are charged with personally and communally keeping it (Deut 30:11-14). To keep it we need to realize that in every generation we have a responsibility to renew it, reapply it, and live it (Philip 2:12-13).  God’s word does not change, but how we apply it can in some places.

Control Issues of Pastors/Rabbis

We are called to be disciples and pattern our lives after scripture (Matt 28:19). We are not called to be under the dominion of anyone but Yeshua (Jn 8:12, Jn 12:26). Scripture tells us some things about a pastor’s authority, but nowhere does it say that the authority of the pastor is absolute and unquestionable. We are to obey and submit (Heb 13:17) but that comes in relation to fulfilling God’s word. We are to respect pastors as laborers, teachers, and admonishers (1 Thess 5:12, 1 Tim 5:17), but that does not mean that we should open ourselves up to abuse or mistreatment. We are to watch their lives and imitate their example (Heb 13:7), but only in the sense that biblical methods and godly outcomes are produced.  Rabbis are people. They are not infallible. Their lives should hold a mature example of living out God’s word, but that doesn’t mean that their lives are perfect or that they are free from dealing with the same life everyone else does.

1 Timothy chapter three outlined the qualifications of pastors and leaders (1 Tim 3:1-13, Titus 1:5-9). Among these qualities are that the pastor should have godly character, godly homes, and be capable to teach and lead by example. The most important quality is that of character. Character underlies our roles at home, in society, and in the congregation. Character often takes a back seat to talents, charisma, and the ability to influence people. Character was important to the sages. In commenting on Ezek 34:2, Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz wrote “The shepherds’ priority should be to supervise and provide for their flock, not for themselves.” When pastors see a congregation mainly as a way to meet their own needs, they can fail to tend to the right people (see Jn 21:17). This is the breeding ground for exploitation. Congregations that replace the qualities of godly leadership with one that is simply superficial will pay the price.

One significant sign of abuse is when pastors make a habit of harping on the power and authority of their position. This usually is voiced in compassionate “churchy” terms, such as “the shepherd has oversight of the flock” (Acts 20:28) and “the pastor gives an account for the souls of their congregations” (Heb 13:17).” It is true that pastors preach against sin and the wayward culture. They guard the congregation from predatory people or fad doctrines and help orchestrate and mobilize the resources of the congregation. But the people serving around them are not possessions that one person controls.

Rabbis do not have the power to make decisions for others and cannot take control of other people’s lives. The pastor does not have absolute dominion over the obedience of the flock (see 2 Cor 1:23-24 for Paul’s example). He leads, inspires, and influences by constantly pointing to God and promoting biblical living. He is a servant among servants, a steward, and a helper (1 Cor 3:5, 1 Cor 4:1). He does not rule, decree, or take authority from families and people to make their own decisions and be responsible for them. He is a servant-leader.

Some movements get so carried away by prophetics and miracles that they begin to validate a person’s spiritual authority by the presence of the gifts. When this happens the need for character and biblical ethics is diminished. Signs and wonders can happen as a response to faith, but they do not indicate that everything someone says or does is biblical or God-ordained. Rabbeinu Bahya, commenting on Deut 13:1-6 stated that even signs and miracles cannot validate the biblical truth of someone’s words. If that person departs from the truth of God’s word, charisma, miracles, and prophetics become deceptive and egotistical (see Matt 24:24, 1 John 4:1-6). Rabbis cannot exploit the gifts of the Spirit to support or validate their leadership.

If these types of pastors confront problems, they are overly focused on establishing a sense of pastoral control and authority to position themselves as the sole authority. There is no problem with pastors keeping the area that they have responsibility over and sometimes people do need to know who is responsible for specific things.  The abusive version of this tendency is the extreme one where the authority of the pastor is a focus in a lot of the preaching and in most interactions. These pastors will only promote “yes-men/women” and ensure that the “team” follows him/her without reserve. In this model popularity, promotion, and spiritual service are tools of manipulation.

Some pastors use their positions to financially abuse their congregants using guilt-tripping, shaming, or promoting a prosperity gospel approach to tithes and offerings. I have known people who were convinced that they had to live in poverty to be godly. Some were so accountable to an abusive pastor that they gave their paychecks over to him so that he could manage their money. Our scriptural model for leadership is not an overly authoritarian one or one focused on consolidating power that comes from a position (see Matt 20:25-26).

Another type of abusive pastor is the one who will not tolerate questions opinions, and is opposed to any accountability. When statements are made from the pulpit any effort to question the biblical support for what is said is met with accusations of rebellion, people going rouge, or lack of submission. This pastor holds himself up as the sole authority and may think that only he/she can have God’s direction or discern his will.  These pastors make a person’s relationship with God a token of compliance and agreement.

An abusive pastor may, when he is confronted, make the congregant the problem (or worse, the enemy) and their obedience is the only answer. Some abusive pastors will actually bully their congregations even from the pulpit or assume aggressive posturing or shaming to intimidate others. Common statements are used like, “I know how to do my job”, “I have been doing this for a long time and know what is best for you”, or “Don’t overreact, people are always misinterpreting what I meant.” These pastors tend to gaslight their congregants instead of listening to them. They demand respect and do not have a sense of earning it. They can be quick to confront people, but negligent in any attempt to resolve an issue where they cannot control all the decision-making levers.

Abusive pastors are those who are more concerned with preserving their celebrity, CEO status and do it at the expense of the congregation. There is a reason that public trust and individual credibility are almost an economy in pastoral circles. Most pastors are sensitive about how people view them. There is nothing wrong with a pastor being worried about how his congregation sees him as being a competent leader. There are those who take it to extremes and attempt to preserve their self-image instead of giving priority to problems, hurting people, or those who are confused about the direction the congregation is taking. Instead of being humble, transparent, and honest, they get defensive, secretive, and coercive.

An obvious sign of a problem is the pastor who has self-control issues or problems with porn. Runaway sexuality has derailed a lot of pastors. Some of them started out counseling members of the opposite sex and the dependence and support of individual counseling fostered a forbidden relationship. Rabbis should always have a second person present when speaking to someone of the opposite sex for security and transparency. Some pastors video/audio record their counseling sessions and/or have a staff member in view outside of the office to avoid liability. One pastor had surgery and the people taking care of him were women from the congregation. That proximity was the grounds for too much contact and the pastor formed a relationship with one of his attendees and an affair happened. Other pastors fall into the trap of using their celebrity status to be too friendly while going to conferences or interacting with others, particularly members of the opposite sex. This can set the stage for misconduct (or the perception of it). When a pastor has an affair, it is viewed as spiritual abuse and also adultery. He/she often shoulders the blame and damage while the other offender moves on and is quickly forgotten about.

A small minority of pastors had a hidden problem with children and committed sexual misconduct with a child or minor and were banned, rightfully, for life from ever serving in a position of trust or leadership. Sometimes this abuse was decades old when it was uncovered, and many children were damaged before it was finally stopped. In some cases, a fellowship was complicit in hiding the abuse and was also negligent in their retention of the offender.

The first step in healing from spiritual abuse is to get out! Pray and find a healthy congregation with a godly Rabbi to support you. Wrong perceptions, bad theologies, and the emotions that support them may take time to work out. Seek godly counsel and seek God in his word so that your individual relationship with him can be renewed. If you are plagued with feelings of stress, guilt, shame, or inadequacy and constantly have the urge to constantly seek validation from the congregation’s leaders, seek counseling and work to reestablish healthy boundaries and individual identity. Restoring a healthy sense of boundaries is one challenge, the larger one is restoring trust. Once trust from a significant person has been violated it is hard to reengage and find a balance. Time is needed to grow. Be patient.

Questions:

1. What does it mean to be abusive? At what point does the actions of a congregant or pastor step across the line?

2. If a pastor asked someone to leave the congregation who was an unrepentant adulterer and a physically abusive spouse, would that constitute spiritual abuse? Why or why not?

3, Should a single mother who made a relationship mistake, admitted to fornication, and subsequently became pregnant out of wedlock, be asked to leave the congregation? Would that be spiritual abuse? Why or why not?

4. Is intention a valid criterion for abuse?

5. Any doctrine can be twisted, misused, or taken out of context. Some can be applied so generally that they lose their specific meaning. Name a doctrine or scripture that can be applied to manipulate or control people. How might that doctrine or scripture be worded when it is used?

6. Is there a place where an institution’s reputation needs to be protected above the people who were hurt?

7. Does every person who says they are hurt or been subject to abuse need to be automatically believed or given the benefit of the doubt until further inquiry is made? What circumstances may cause a congregation to pause consideration when pastoral abuse is reported?

8. If the pastor of a congregation has an affair with a congregant who was a willing participant, is it still spiritual abuse? Is the person he/she had an affair with considered a victim?

Shabbat Shalom

Rav Calev

Next Feasts:

Yom Kippur begins at sunset, Oct 11th and ends at sunset on Oct 12th.

Sukkot begins at sunset, Oct 16th and ends at sunset on Oct 23rd.

Hebrew Words to Know:

Akedah- “The Binding” detailing the story of Abraham binding Isaac by God’s command. This story is usually read on the second day of Rosh Hashanah.

L’shana tovah u’metukah- Greeting for the High Holidays which means, “have a good and sweet year!”

Silichot- Means forgiveness and refers to prayers of forgiveness prayed during Rosh Hashanah.

Tashlich- Means to cast away. It refers to the ceremony of casting bread into the waters of a river or lake (see Micah 7:19) to symbolically away sin, unforgiveness, and let go of personal pain.