Parashat Ki Teitzei: Is Premarital Sex Prohibited?

Torah: Deut 21:10-25:19

Haftarah: Isa 54:1-10

Brit Chadashah: Matt 5:27-30, 1 Cor 5:1-5

Main Sections:

Marrying a female POW.

Inheritance of the firstborn.

The stubborn, rebellious son.

Cursed is the man who is hanged on a tree.

Misc laws, sexual immorality.

Exclusion from the congregation.

Laws of uncleanness.

Misc laws, divorce law.

Misc laws, Levirate marriage.

Jewish denominations have various opinions of premarital sex ranging from very stringent to very liberal. Judaism’s view of premarital sex is seen through the lens of its legal status and the tradition of the Rabbis. There are several opinions on whether it should be allowed with some asserting that it is not specifically listed as a forbidden relationship among consenting, single adults. The Torah specifically does forbid (via prohibition) sexual activity around adultery, incest, beasts, and homosexuality (see Lev 18) but seems strangely silent on this important issue. Additionally, the child that could come out of such activity is not considered a mamzer (illegitimate).

Jewish thought acknowledges that marital sex is the ideal and that an intimate relationship outside of marriage is not appropriate, especially since marriage is considered to be a holy relationship. It also admits that sex outside of marriage makes other ethical matters in the relationship much harder to achieve without a marital bond that encourages those values to grow. Marriage is the best environment to fully live out biblical values and support stable, godly families with all of its blessings and challenges.

Some of the more Orthodox positions outrightly call premarital sex a sin and do not view a person to be complete outside of marriage. These movements view the marriage relationship as the best, most biblical form of godly living. Other more liberal Reform movements do not see premarital sex as an issue. Reform movements tend to focus on their version of sexual ethics which promotes commitment in relationships and maintaining dignity between parties. While they do not advocate for intimate relationships strictly based on sex, they also do not encourage sex within marriage as an absolute ethic or a requirement for godly living. These difficult and dicey views can be confusing to a young person, particularly a Messianic, who was raised in a godly home and taught that sex should be reserved solely for marriage.

While some Jewish denominations may view premarital sex as sinful by custom (not by commandment) and therefore place it in the category of modesty (tzenuit), the truth is that scripture is not as silent as some think. Scripture regulated relationships with single women in various forms. Relationships were explicitly forbidden with non-Jews, especially the pagan cultures around them (Deut 23:3). Sex with a woman going through niddah (married or not) was forbidden (Lev 20:18), as was prostitution (Deut 23:17). There were also regulations surrounding the taking of a female captive and making her a wife (Deut 21:10-14, according to the sages marrying her was dependent on her willingness to convert). The Torah forbids sexually violating and manipulating a virgin into intimacy and those scriptures place a mandate for fees and mandatory marriage if the father and daughter agreed to the union (Ex 22:16-17, Duet 22:28-29). The Torah also permitted sexual relationships with a concubine (pilegesh) who had an elevated relationship from that of a servant but was not actually married as the wife was (polygamy and concubinage are another issue for another time).

The sages have argued for outright prohibitions based on scriptural commentary. Rashi argued for a ban on promiscuousness and premarital sex based on Lev 19:29. Mamonides forbade it based on Duet 23:18. In the Tosefta, Rabbi Elazer went so far as to argue that single men and women engaged in sexual activity with no aim of marriage makes her a prostitute (BT, Yevamot 61b). Other Rabbis refute this definition as going too far.

Maintaining purity in the Tanakh was important for several reasons and families had an interest in supporting it. The first is the dowry. Money or goods were exchanged between families when a daughter was given in marriage (Gen 34:12). Women who were not virgins had less of a dowry. In Tosefta Kiddushin 1:8, it is a mitzvah of the father to find a wife for his son. If it was his mitzvah to find a spouse, it is also his (as much as possible) to ensure that his son stays pure. Second, there was a lot of social pressure when a single woman had a pregnancy because it was assumed that adultery may have been committed. Third, if a girl constantly gave herself away, no one would have a need to marry her, and she could not only be devalued but remain single. Fourth, there were penalties for giving a girl in marriage who was thought to be a virgin but was found out after marriage she was not (Deut 22:13-21). Fifth the prohibition on clothing (Deut 22:5), according to the Rabbis, was thought to be for the purpose of preventing men or women from sneaking around to be in another’s company or so that a man could not hide from his commitment to fight for the tribe or nation. It would be incorrect to say that the issue of premarital sex was not an issue in biblical times. The argumentation of the sages testifies that it was of concern, even if they disagreed on how to regulate it.

The more orthodox views on premarital sex uphold abstinence before marriage as a must. Some of the views are:

• Marital sex is holy and fulfilling for both parties and ordained by God only in the context of marriage as God himself is a part of the giving of life (a holy endeavor). Because sex is holy between spouses it lends itself to protecting the dignity and stability of the marriage.

• Procreation occurs in committed and healthy environments that also benefit and strengthen the Jewish community and Jewish homes.

• Sex outside of marriage erodes the marriage concept and the value that sex plays within it. We cannot take something God has made holy and treat it as common.

• This type of romantic bond can only be fully realized when connected with true love and commitment (one that is emotional, spiritual, and legal). It is where both spouses take responsibility for a relationship and ensure that what is produced from it (both children and godly behavior) is holy and God glorifying.

There are two types of commandments. There are positive ones and negative ones. The positive ones are meant to be more general; the negative ones are meant to be more specific. The first place where a sexual ethic is mentioned in scripture is not a negative prohibition, but a positive commandment. The first sexual ethic in scripture is given in the context of marriage, “be fruitful and multiply, fill the land, and conquer it.” (Gen 1:28, TLV). The next follows shortly after when Adam saw his wife Eve and stated, “This is why a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife; and they become one flesh.” (Gen 2:24, TLV). As Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden, marriage and procreation continued to be attested, even before the flood where “the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were good and they took for themselves wives, any they chose.” (Gen 6:2, TLV). This continued up through the time of the flood (Matt 24:38). The entire Song of Solomon describes the intimate interaction between married lovers. God’s interaction with Israel was a depiction in terms of marriage. There is no doubt what ideal God was trying to establish. To follow in God’s ways is to mirror his character and person. We are called to be holy and what God has established as holy (in this case sex in the context of marriage, see Eph 5:31-32, Mk 10:9) should not be treated as common. This was not just an idea confined to the temple (Ezek 22:26, Ex 30:36-37, Acts 10:15). Being holy means that something or someone is not only set apart but they are set apart for the purpose of covenant. In premarital sex there is no godly covenant to adhere to, therefore it is not holiness.

Duet 22:13-21 gives legislation for a man who married a woman thinking she was a virgin and takes her for his wife, later he dislikes her and slanders her, giving her a bad reputation. The Torah made provisions for him to challenge whether her virginity was true before the elders of the gate. If there was proof, the man was fined because he brought an “evil name” on a virgin of Israel. If it was exposed that she was not a virgin, she was to be stoned “because she has done a disgraceful thing in Israel, to behave like a prostitute in her father’s house. So you are to purge evil from your midst.” (TLV, Deut 22:20-21). Some commentators view this as only pertaining to a young, underaged virgin and not an adult woman. Rabbi Steinsaltz’s commentary on Deut 22:14 chose to focus not on her age or where it happened, but on the fact that she had engaged in intercourse with another man before marriage and had been promiscuous. Here, her age was not in question, her purity was. Additionally, the Siftei Chakhamim’s Commentary on Deut 22:15 referred to the presumably guilty maiden as an “evil branch”.

The Brit Chadashah paints a clear picture of marriage and places premarital sex in the category of sexual immorality (Heb 13:4). Paul wrote about where our sexual passions were to be placed.

Now concerning the things about which you wrote to me, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of much immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband…but if they do not have self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with desire (lustful desire). (1 Cor 7:1-2, 9, TLV)

Paul also affirmed that there was a sanctifying purpose in abstaining from sexual immorality and spoke of the pagan’s passion of lust as being connected to not knowing God.

For this is the will of God-your sanctification: to abstain from sexual immorality; to know each of you, how to gain control over his own body in holiness and honor-not in the passion of lust like the pagans who do not know God; (1 Thess 4:3-5, TLV)

In 1 Cor 6:18 Paul advised the Corinthians to flee sexual immorality and stated that it was a sin against a person’s own body. In Col 3:5 he wrote that the Colossians should put sexual immorality and lust to death. Peter took a more militant view and stated in 1 Peter 2:1, for his readers to abstain from the passions of the flesh which wage war against the soul. To view the passions of the flesh and how they make us vulnerable to the enemy’s temptation as a war against our soul puts a lot in perspective.

Yeshua took his teaching further and stated that adultery does not begin in what we do, it begins in the heart (Matt 5:28, Mk 7:20-23). The same is true for all sexual immorality. When we entertain and fantasize about immoral things we are mentally practicing for action and attempting to gain some sense of fulfillment in it. If we are to have sanctified actions, it starts with sanctifying our thoughts and intentions.

Shalom,

Rav Calev

Next Feasts:

Rosh Hashanah begins at sunset, Oct 2nd and ends at sunset on Oct 4th.

Yom Kippur begins at sunset, Oct 11th and ends at sunset on Oct 12th.

Sukkot begins at sunset, Oct 16th and ends at sunset on Oct 23rd.

Hebrew words to know:

Bankrupt, Wasted, or Ruined- Mechuleh; A Yiddish term.

Barricaded Heart- Timtum Halev

Bereavement- Avelut

Betrothal- Kiddushin

Bless\Blessing- Bentch/Bentching (Yiddish)